DAUGHERTY: $280 M doesn't buy much ballpark these days

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Dear fans: Welcome to Great American Ballpark, home of the Cincinna Red. And as soon as that bridge loan comes through, we'll be able to complete the spelling of our team name.

We know that recent news reports of ballpark cost cutting have you a little spooked. As you might have guessed, $280 million doesn't buy what it used to. But we feel we'll still have a beautiful new home.

We are grateful for the efforts of the business community. The Lincoln Log Co. has donated enough product to complete the lower reserved section. We won't have seats there, but you will be allowed to bring your own lawn chairs.

We would be remiss if we didn't mention the good people at Lego, without whose assistance we could never have built the press box and the team offices. And just wait, fans, until you see what the folks at Erector Set have planned.

No ramps, no real grass

You'll find our ballpark to be a little different than most. Because of budget constraints, we've had to eliminate the third base line. We have, in fact, eliminated third base.

We won't have ramps to your seats, either. This is unfortunate. But that darned concrete is expensive. We'll have ladders instead. For Opening Day and the Indians series, the Cincinnati Fire Department will bring in hook-and-ladder trucks, to assist those of you with tickets in the upper deck.

We understand you're looking forward to natural grass. We'll still have grass. Kind of. Budget issues have forced us to go to a less expensive, sandlot mix of dirt clods, bottle caps and chunks of ancient Indian burial mound. The manufacturer assures us it will look great once the chickweed grows in.

We won't have walls or fences. That offers a great opportunity for you fans to get up close and personal with your favorite Reds outfielder as he chases that flyball in the gap.

By the way, you'll love our clean, spacious restrooms. It'll cost you only a quarter to use them. Unfortunately, we had to eliminate plumbing, so please take that into account when coming to the ballpark.

We had to streamline the Hall of Fame as well. Instead of a museum featuring your favorite Reds of bygone eras, we'll have life-size, cardboard standups of all your heroes, with the heads cut out. Bring your cameras.

No backstop, no showers

You also might notice that our scoreboard only goes through the bottom of the fifth. Bear with us. By 2010, we hope to have the funding to take us all the way to the top of the eighth. But when it comes to baseball, Reds fans, you always know the score.

We had to eliminate the backstop as well, but we've received assurances from the Midland Indians that we can borrow theirs whenever they're not using it. During batting practice, our men will be hitting Wiffle balls with broomsticks. Every little savings helps.

Our Reds will look great in their new uniforms, though, even if they do have to dress at home.

Yes, we had to leave the home clubhouse on the budget-cutting floor.

As for showers, equipment man Bernie Stowe will hose the guys down in the parking lot after the games. We hope you understand. We hope you'll love our new ballpark. This is the Ol' Lefthan, rounding second and heading for home ...<

Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at (513) 768-8454.

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